F***king Up

What does a photo mean to you? A memory caught in the spur of a moment, a thousand captured memories or the chance to reconnect with old faces and remind ourselves of the people we loved and lost, alive or dead. Because when I lost all my photos my heart skipped a beat and I crumbled and fell. It is just a photo you argue but I think otherwise. I had photos with people that I no longer called friends and I wanted to keep because it reminded me of the past. There were photos with people I attempted to build bridges with but no longer wanted to know. It was one of my best friends birthday the other day and all the memories we have shared have been lost. We-or rather she- no longer seems to be my friend and it hurts. I never did anything wrong and apologized for anything I had done but no apology was made on her part. She said she would be there for me but she never was and the funny thing was she was always there in the past. But since university has been over I have noticed that only a few people had kept in touch and most of the ones who promised to be there are gone and busy with their own lives. It hurts me to admit that I feel lonely but it is all my own making, I freeze people out because I am too scared to get hurt and I let people tell me things are my fault when I know they are not. Why the hell do I do this? I am a strong woman I know I am but sometimes the sadness gets too much and I get stuck into the past once again.

When I am positive I remain in the present but when things get murky I am stuck wallowing in self pity and I hate myself for it. But it doesn't take me long to bounce back into positivity; this week I have had heart breaking news that I cannot disclose at the moment but I was racked with gut wrenching sobs crying my eyes out into the dusk of dawn. As the brand new day emerged I was down but felt more positive and by the afternoon I felt happy. The next day I was depressed again and sometimes a small thing can set it off and I feel like I have no control. I have f***ed up so many times and I am bound to f**k up again but I wish that people could be as forgiving as I am. I have lost count of how many times I have forgiven someone only for me to mess up and be in the doghouse. This particular friend of mine (if I can call her that anymore) says she still wants to be friends with me but lies about working when I ask to meet up and tells me she is 'so worried about me' but shows behavior of not caring. I know I have new friends now but do they know me as much as the others knew me and the answer is no they don't.

I have been hurt to the point that I can no longer trust someone as fully as I did before, I don't tell people when I am sick because I am afraid I will be called a drama queen, I keep my problems to myself because I feel selfish if I burden someone with my problems and I say I am ok when I am clearly not. I have gotten to the stage when I no longer know who I can trust and who will backstab me because lets face it in the last year I have had three people I used to call best friends either backstab me and accuse me of things I had not done 'A', used me and freezed me out 'S' or decided they didn't give a s**t anymore 'T' and it stings. I am not the luckiest of people when it comes to love or friendship but I will survive, I always do and I know that despite my severe insecurities and perception of self there will always be people to cheer me on. Life is not all negative but when the grind gets me down the anxiety is unpalatable. Despite how much I have shared on my blog there are still so many issues that I will not share not now not ever. But for all the secrets I keep locked away there are three times more that I am sharing with you, my readers.

A lot of the anxieties and fears that I have shared on my blog I never explicitly share with my friends and its because I know that they will read this and it will show them a deeper insight into my mind that I could not possibly communicate in person. I find it easier to show how I feel through the written word than in person. If you asked me on here if I was ok I would tell you the truth but in person I would clam up because I am worried you may judge and have bad words to say about me behind my back. Because lets face it, it won't be the first time and it certainly wont be the last but that is life for you. They say you are at your most creative when you are down and they are right; already just by writing this 1,000 word post in 20 minutes I feel so much better. Writing gives me perspective and teaches me to look on the bright side. As much as I am going through a lot of terrible personal issues I am grateful that there is a rainbow at the other side. It is the bumps in the road that gives us the taste of life and someday I will look back on all the bad things I have been through and joke about it. Because if I don't laugh I will cry and I don't want to cry again...

Are you afraid of F****ing up? Are you willing to admit you make mistakes?

Photography-Jumanna Khanom

Skirt-Miss Selfridge

Top- Lily Lulu

Watch- Elie Beaumount

Sunglasses- Forever 21

Rings & Bracelet- Coconut Lane